“I am losing precious days. I am degenerating into a machine for making money. I am learning nothing in this trivial world of men. I must break away and get out into the mountains to learn the news.” — John Muir
This feeling felt all too real prior to me leaving for my Ayurveda & Herbalism training. More info on that can be found here. One of the most romantic aspects of traveling is how quickly it can shift one’s perspective. I felt energetically tapped, lethargic and annoyed with my own voice. My words, which students often claim to be inspiring, felt dry, hollow and robotic. This business is taxing. To lend space and harness the capacity to create a container which one feels safe in is no small feat. Our culture is one that feeds more so off of our wants rather than providing us support for our needs. Once that seed of desire it planted, it festers into an unending, vicious cycle of consumerism. We convince ourselves that we can’t survive without x, y & z. Be it the latest trend or something that could’ve been engrained into our fabric at a young age.
I realized how much of my thought patterns and many of my choices were being influenced by media and those I spend my time with. We live in a culture that is more concerned with how it looks than how it feels. This burden laid heavy on my tired brain. Blanketed by thoughts that I entertained to the point of wearing fragile and thin. So much time spent worrying about what others thought of me rather than caring what I thought of myself. How much energy poured into products that promise rejuvenation without attending to the damn work. Your bandaids will expire. Your mask will inevitably come off. Are you fooling others? Or merely yourself?
I felt caught in my own trap of thinking about my feelings rather than FEELING my feelings. Which to feel, allows for processing, alchemy and transmutation of stagnant energy into something much brighter and bigger than myself.
Another realization that struck me during meditation is how terrible I am at receiving love, regardless if I can dish it out all day long. I know this stems from my upbringing. I didn’t come from a lovely dovey background. Quite the opposite actually. But that’s a story for another time. Once you start to unpack your story in a different place, a place where all your comforts and routines dissolve, you can start to see clearly where the influence of others has woven into your fabric. Even down to the most subtle aspects such as language, which then impacts how you speak to yourself, to others, etc. Fresh land can lend fresh ideas and thought flow if one is willing and able to take the journey. And if you are ready to peer into the depths of your shadow.
The kula at my training gave me permission to be me, exactly as I am without flinching or second guessing. Nothing felt contrived. Which leads me to question why I do feel this way at home. Again, subtle influence. The self care practices I learned will not only tame my excess vata but will serve as an anchoring to my authentic self. No more second guessing. Not everyone has to like you. Unfortunately, I know SO many challenged by this..
As an empath, I’ve learned that anyones energy can bleed easily into my field without proper awareness. Hello, juniper berry! My new friend and herbal ally. Energy will empower whatever is present. Which means — I must do the work — to create proper boundary rather than displacing blame. We hate to hear it, but we choose how we feel. I promise to allow myself time for ME without feeling bad or unsuccessful. Busyness isn’t a badge of honor to flaunt around to your social circles. If you notice yourself sinking into a hurried, always rushed pace, I implore you to inquire within. How free does your heart feel?